ARTICLES DISCOVER Dr. Rhoades' NEW BOOK: Living in the Moment Articles by Dr. Rhoades: Defining Family The New Player Looking for "the Oprah" A recipe for good parenting trouble.com Chasing Love! Last Year Sure Went by FAST! The Relationship Lottery How to be Upbeat without being Beat up! Just Who Am I Trying to Get Even With? When is it ever going to be "MY" turn? A Shortcut or A Long Fall? Mr. or Ms. "Justin Case" Refusing to Get Caught Up in the Blame Game Associates of Dr. Rhoades: Dr. Lynn Ianni Copyright © 1995-2007 Dr. Roger A. Rhoades All Rights Reserved Author's Note: Please feel free to share this article. My only requirement for reprinting is that you credit me with a byline and print my short biographical and contact information at the end. Dating a Cakeman by Dr. Roger A. Rhoades There is no telling how many men at any given time are cheating on their wives. To get an accurate reading would be almost impossible. You would have to ask men about something that they normally lie about and then expect them to tell the truth. Probably the best way to get an accurate reading is to ask men how many of them feel their wives have driven them to an affair. I am sure men would be more than glad to own up to being a victim of circumstance and not having been the bad guy in the situation. As long as men keep looking to blame someone or something for their infidelity, women will be lost on how to change their cheating ways. It is hard to say how many men get into a marriage for all the wrong reasons. · They want to have someone to have their babies. · They want to fit in with other people in their social circle. · They want to have someone at home with them, now that they no longer live with their parents. · They want someone to take the place of their mothers and baby them. No matter what the reason, some men do not get married to be faithful. They sometimes see a wife as merely the next step on the ladder of success. Marrying a good “corporate wife” can be a tremendous asset to a man whose sights are set on the top of the corporate ladder. But don’t be fooled, the thrill of the chase is still there. These men, I call Cakemen. Cakemen are men who want to have their cake and eat it too. These men do not leave their wives. They stay with their wives and date someone else at the same time. They like the fact that they can have someone stable at home, taking care of business, while they continue to play single guy with other women. They have no real desire to leave their wives and move on to someone else, unless their activities are discovered. If they are discovered, many of these Cakemen dump the girlfriend and stay with the wife, only to go back to cheating once the dust has settled. In a cakeman's way of thinking, staying with his wife makes all the sense in the world. If he leaves his wife, then they will have to split up their possessions as well as their bills. In many times it takes a man several years to recover from this. On the other hand, if he keeps the wife, he gets to keep his lifestyle going with only a minor glitch. The minor glitch is that he will have to act like he is real sorry, dump the old girlfriend, wait awhile, and then go back out and find a new girlfriend. One of the major reasons men become Cakemen is because they do not want to grow up. It takes a mature adult to handle the day-to-day responsibilities of a monogamous relationship. When a man has to see a woman every day and negotiate bills, affection, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and personal undesirable behavior, he longs for a simpler way of living. He wants to be a grown up, but somewhere in his soul he wants all the benefits and none of the responsibility. Having a woman on the side allows him to play two different roles at the same time. In his mind the pressures of married life can be released by having a sexual relationship with someone else. In his marriage he can play responsible man and co-decision maker, while in his affair, he can call all the shots and be the lord of the relationship. The second major reason a man becomes a Cakeman is to keep the feeling of being a player. When a man gets married, many times he sees himself as being caught or conquered. It is now time for him to go out to pasture and be used as a stud service. In his eyes, he is slowly, but surely becoming his dad. His days of being a major competitor are over. It is easy to see how this type of thinking would make a man feel old before his time. One of the easiest and most available ways to feel young and in the game is to get involved in an affair. Now he is desirable. Now he is a man's man. He is now feeling young and, even though his conscience might be bothering him, the thrill of being a player certainly outweighs those negative thoughts. The final reason that men cheat on their wives, but don't leave them, is that it is a safety net. Very few men get excited about a full-blown gamble. They want to believe that they at least have a 50/50 chance of winning. If there is any way to stack the cards in their favor, they are going to do it. This is the thinking behind having a wife and a girlfriend. If for some reason a man's wife is unwilling to be affectionate when and how he wants, then he has his girlfriend to take up the slack. If a man wants to be the center of attention and the mister know-it-all, but his wife deflates his ego, then he can go to his girlfriend for a good dose of hero-worshipping. However, it is not just the wife who gets the short end of the stick, the girlfriend also suffers. At some point in the affair, some girlfriends who have heard this man say that he is unhappy with his wife will bring up the subject of divorcing his wife and marrying her. When a Cakeman is confronted with this issue, he is able to make excuses and fall back into a dilemma of commitment or what is the "right" thing to do. This position successfully keeps the girlfriend at bay for fear that she might lose him. The sad part of all this behavior is that seldom, if ever does anyone come out on top. Usually one or more people suffer deep, long lasting wounds from this type of behavior. Some women are unable or unwilling to trust another man after being with a Cakeman. These men also suffer from their behavior. Sometimes they become morally bankrupt. They have trouble telling the difference between what is right and what is wrong. They fill their lives with lies and deceit, which in the long run can affect their ethical judgments in the work place. Women are putting their lives on hold in hopes that their Cakeman will finally leave their wife and make them the center of their lives. Finally, if children are involved, the destruction is unbelievable. Counseling offices are filled with children who either caught their father with another woman or had to live in a family where lying was the major form of communication. The best advice is to play your life honestly. If a relationship is over, then bury it. If you are in a marriage and have met someone else, think before you act. The emotional stability you save might be your own! Copyright © 2003—2007, Dr. Roger A. Rhoades, All rights reserved A licensed professional counselor for more than 20 years, Dr. Roger Rhoades is a popular relationship therapist who has gained a national following through his appearances on television talk shows. He is also a frequent contributor to national magazines on subjects that include dating, breakup recovery and infidelity. You may email Dr. Rhoades at: TVDoc2@aol.com