Defining "Family" by Dr. Roger A. Rhoades

ARTICLES

DISCOVER
Dr. Rhoades'
NEW BOOK:
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Articles
by Dr. Rhoades:

Defining Family

Dating a
Cakeman

Looking for
"the Oprah"

A recipe for
good parenting

trouble.com

Chasing Love!

Last Year Sure
Went by FAST!

The Relationship
Lottery

How to be
Upbeat without being Beat up!

The New Player

When is it ever
going to be
"MY" turn?

A Shortcut
or A Long Fall?

Mr. or Ms.
"Justin Case"

Refusing to Get
Caught Up in
the Blame Game

Associates of
Dr. Rhoades:
Dr. Lynn Ianni

Author's Note: Please feel free to share this article. My only requirement for reprinting is that you credit me with a byline and print my short biographical and contact information at the end.

Just Who Am I Trying to get Even With?
by Dr. Roger A. Rhoades

Holding a grudge against someone is one of the most popular activities in today’s world. People go out of the way to find fault with their families, their friends, the people they work with, and even total strangers. Just let someone do something that they feel is not fair to them and boy, watch the fur fly.

These people are looking for ways to be offended. You know the type of person I’m talking about. You can see them coming a mile away. They have the look of being right all the time, while all the rest of the world has the wrong opinion. Just try to strike up a normal conversation with them. By the time the conversation is over, you will be either great because you agreed with them or you’re on their list.

These people keep a running list in their heads of all the people who have done them wrong. If you spend any time around these people, you will hear them recall all the different situations and all the different people who have done them wrong. They will tell you that keeping track of your enemies and how they have treated you is important because the time will come (if you’re lucky) when you can pay them back.

Payback is very exciting for a person like this. The idea of being able to hurt someone who has hurt you is an event to look forward to. The great thing about paying someone back is the belief that those other people had it coming. The person doing the payback not only does not feel any remorse for what they are doing, they take great joy in sharing their victory of payback to anyone who will listen.

There are several ways in which someone will pay back another person. The most popular is the grapevine lie payback. This payback is carried out by telling someone who loves to gossip a little negative story about the person you want to get even with. It does not matter if the story is true or not. In fact, it is better if the story is almost too outlandish to be believed. The wonderful thing about this form of payback is its ability to have a life all its own. Once the story is told to more than one person, it gains momentum; by the time the person tries to stop the momentum it is too late. This type of payback is very popular in places like churches and schools.

The second most popular form of payback is the choosing-up-sides payback. In this payback, the person goes around the office or to their circle of friends and begins to ask people to choose sides between them and the person they say has done them wrong. At this point, you are either for them or against them, there is no middle ground. If you do not support them one hundred percent, then you’re no better than the person they are trying to get even with. They are not above threatening you with the same type of payback, if you do not move over to their side.

Another form of payback is the direct-destruction-of-property payback. This might seem to be the type of payback that is used only by low-class people, not well-bred individuals. The fact is many people who have been taught to respect other people’s property have no trouble destroying anything in the name of getting even. Cars, clothing, houses, and important business records have all fallen prey to the payback attack.

There are a thousand more ways of paying people back, but the results are always the same. Nobody wins. For the moment, the person who is doing the paying back gets some satisfaction, but in the long run, the fight goes on and satisfaction is never reached. This is not to say paybacks stop after the person realizes it is getting them nowhere.

Payback for many people becomes a way of life. They are either in the middle of paying someone back, just getting over paying someone back, or they are waiting for the next person to offend them, so they can begin to pay them back.

There is no telling how much time and energy is wasted every day by people trying to pay other people back. Many people know the frustration of working in a payback environment. Each day is met with dread. The idea of having to go to work where payback is the rule literally makes many people physically and emotionally sick.

One of the biggest mistakes made by people who live or work in a payback environment is trying to meet payback with payback. If you go against someone who eats, drinks and sleeps payback, the best you can hope for is a bloody draw. These people will stop at nothing to even the score. You will have to watch your back and the backs of your loved ones all the time. Oh yes, these people are not above hurting your loved ones to get back at you.

Although things may seem extremely bleak, there are ways of dealing with people who live by payback:

1. People who love to payback, love to fight. When a person is not willing to fight with them, they move on to people who will.
2. Trying to be positive most of the time throws these people off. They usually end up saying your are weird because you are too happy.
3. If you are a spiritual person, telling these people you are praying for them usually moves them back about a hundred yards.
4. It is not a bad idea to check and make sure you are not offending someone, and if you are, ask them to forgive you.

A licensed professional counselor for more than 20 years, Dr. Roger Rhoades is a popular relationship therapist who has gained a national following through his appearances on television talk shows. He is also a frequent contributor to national magazines on subjects that include dating, breakup recovery and infidelity. You may email Dr. Rhoades at: TVDoc2@aol.com