Defining "Family" by Dr. Roger A. Rhoades

ARTICLES

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Dr. Rhoades'
NEW BOOK:
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Articles
by Dr. Rhoades:

Defining Family

Dating
a Cakeman

Looking for
"the Oprah"

A recipe for
good parenting

trouble.com

Chasing Love!

Last Year Sure
Went by FAST!

The Relationship
Lottery

How to be
Upbeat without being Beat up!

The New Player

When is it ever
going to be
"MY" turn?

Just Who Am I Trying to Get Even With?

A Shortcut or A Long Fall?

Refusing to Get
Caught Up in
the Blame Game

Associates of
Dr. Rhoades:
Dr. Lynn Ianni

Author's Note: Please feel free to share this article. My only requirement for reprinting is that you credit me with a byline and print my short biographical and contact information at the end.

Mr. or Ms. "Justin Case"
by Dr. Roger A. Rhoades

You are getting ready for a night out. You’re making sure everything is in place and you are looking your best. You then realize that you are only going out with a couple of old friends and you are wondering why you have gone to so much trouble to look extra nice. Then, it dawns on you, like so many other single adults in America, you might run into Mr. or Ms. “Justin Case” tonight and you don’t want to miss an opportunity to connect up with a future partner.

You know who I’m talking about. It’s that special someone you’ve not met YET, but hope you might meet tonight or some night. This is the person who is going to take away all those dark and lonely times in your life. This is the person who is going to make all the pieces of your life fit together.

From the books we read to the movies we watch, the story line so often revolves around that chance meeting with that special someone who will turn our lives around and make everything all better. It is the lure of something better, something more romantic that makes this message so appealing. Who doesn’t want things to be better? Who doesn’t want a little more romance in their lives?

It is easy to get into the habit of looking for Mr. or Ms. “Justin Case.” All you have to do is begin to think about how much better your life would be if you had that special someone in it and how lonely you are without a significant relationship. Before you know it, you’re never satisfied again.

The things you used to enjoy by yourself and with your friends are no longer good enough. You begin to think about how much better it would be in Mr. or Ms. “Justin Case” were in your life. You never take the time to examine your thinking process in this matter. You just focus on the goal.

You know what goal I’m talking about. It’s the goal of using all your time and energy getting into a relationship. You stop caring about work performance, bill paying, or any other significant life issue. You just want a partner! You find yourself walking into every situation sizing up any one of the opposite sex to see if they might be Mr. or Ms. “Justin Case.”

There is no time to build a slow developing relationship. You want someone RIGHT NOW! The clock is ticking and your life is going down the tubes. You know you are not getting any younger and the older you are, the harder it is going to be to get a good partner.

It is easy to see how your life can be taken over by looking, thinking, or waiting for Mr. or Ms. “Justin Case.” You no longer put the energy into yourself or your friendships to make each the best they could be. The hunt for Mr. or Ms. “Justin Case” becomes the high point of your life. Matter of fact, it becomes your life.

You are now ready for the fall. Your self-esteem is probably lower than it ever has been and your self awareness is at rock bottom. Your ability to connect up with a healthy individual is nil. The only individual who is going to be interested in you is someone who has the same level of self-esteem and self awareness as you do.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what kind of relationship will come out of this match up. You have two unhealthy people trying to get their needs met by someone who is equally unhealthy. They both think that the other person is going to make everything wonderful. Each believes they have hit the relationship jackpot and they will have all their needs met by the other person.

You can see what a tremendous let down it is when either one or both realize that they have connected up with someone who is unwilling or unable to meet their expectations. Each one feels that the other one has betrayed them. How could this Mr. or Ms. “Justin Case” turn out to be such a dud?

At this point, each person takes a position of blaming the other person for the let down. There are claims of lying and false representation. It is the other person’s fault and they are mad that their time has been wasted with such a loser. It’s time to cut and run. Each person does not want to waste time getting back into the hunt for the NEXT Mr. or Ms. “Justin Case.”

If you are interested in getting out of this destructive cycle, here are some helpful points:

1. Set up a schedule to be with your friends and don’t change it just because you have met someone.

2. Make a list of what you are looking for in a partner and see if you have those same qualities.

3. Ask anyone you think might be Mr. or Ms. “Justin Case,” how they ended their last relationship.

4. Talk to married couples who are happy in their marriage about what it takes for them to have a good relationship with their spouse.

5. Remember that TIME is your friend! If you take the time to develop a strong relationship, you are less likely to end up with the wrong person.

6. You cannot have a healthy relationship with another person until you have a healthy relationship with yourself. Always work on your self-esteem and self-worth. It will make you a better person and a better partner.

A licensed professional counselor for more than 20 years, Dr. Roger Rhoades is a popular relationship therapist who has gained a national following through his appearances on television talk shows. He is also a frequent contributor to national magazines on subjects that include dating, breakup recovery and infidelity. You may email Dr. Rhoades at: TVDoc2@aol.com