ARTICLES DISCOVER Dr. Rhoades' NEW BOOK: Living in the Moment Articles by Dr. Rhoades: Defining Family Dating a Cakeman Looking for "the Oprah" A recipe for good parenting trouble.com Chasing Love! Last Year Sure Went by FAST! The Relationship Lottery How to be Upbeat without being Beat up! Just Who Am I Trying to Get Even With? When is it ever going to be "MY" turn? A Shortcut or A Long Fall? Mr. or Ms. "Justin Case" Refusing to Get Caught Up in the Blame Game Associates of Dr. Rhoades: Dr. Lynn Ianni Copyright © 1995-2007 Dr. Roger A. Rhoades All Rights Reserved Author's Note: Please feel free to share this article. My only requirement for reprinting is that you credit me with a byline and print my short biographical and contact information at the end. The New Player by Dr. Roger A. Rhoades One of the things that distinguish one generation from another is that each generation has a specific way of doing things. Each generation makes it a point to dress differently, listen to different music, and live by different rules. A similarity among the generations is that the younger generation often makes a decision to adopt the beliefs of the older generation, believing that going back to the “good old days” is the path to happiness. However, it is extremely rare that an older generation sees a belief or behavior they want to adopt from a younger generation. In fact, in the past, when someone from an older generation started acting like someone from a younger generation, that person was looked down upon as someone trying to relive his or her youth. Just recently, a significant glitch in this pattern has occurred. In the area of dating, older men have begun to exhibit behaviors seen in the younger generation and it has created havoc with the opposite sex of their own generation. Men who are now at the age of 50 years or even older are beginning to act like what the present generation calls “players.” A player is someone who has more than one partner. The reason for having more than one partner is so that the player can use one partner to fulfill one need, and another partner to fulfill another need. It also allows the player to stay away from commitment. If one partner begins to put demands on the player for commitment, then the player can distance himself from that partner by spending more time with the other partner. The best players are able to keep two or more partners involved without them finding out about each other. A great player will be able to keep his own personal space private by not letting others know where he lives, or by making sure that he is in control of when and where he gets together with each of his partners. A player will give the impression of serious involvement but will never verbally make a solid commitment about the relationship. It is well known that women outlive men and as women grow older, there are fewer men in the mix. In the past, men who had been married and lost their wives either through divorce or death would waste no time finding another mate. It seemed to be a common belief that a man who had lived with a women for several years or more would not be happy unless he had another woman to take her place. It was this belief that created a sense of hope for many older women. They would make sure that they kept themselves aware of the changing market of available men and made those men aware of their availability. This style of older age match making is still in place today and many older people find their next long-term partner in this way. But, this is not the case for all people who are reentering the older dating scene. There is a group of older men who have decided that their path to happiness is not with another partner for the long term, but with several partners for the short or long term. What we have now is a new group of players. They are men in the golden years of their lives who have decided to play the field. These are men who have looked at the past rules of dating they grew up with and said, “I’m going to play by a different set of rules this time around.” They see themselves in a seller’s market. They know they are in demand and that there is a surplus of women. The emergence of new medications gives older men the ability to perform sexually at a level equal to that of their younger years. They see themselves as able to set the rules and make whoever interacts with them follow those rules in order to continue the relationship. An imbalance has been created for many older men and women in the dating scene. The women who are now caught up in this new “player” environment are finding themselves in an emotional no-man’s land. They have reentered relationships using the 1950’s or 1960’s rules of dating that preceded the sexual revolution. According to those rules, when a man spent a certain about of time, money, and energy on them, it meant he was moving toward a more serious relationship that could eventually lead to marriage. The major problem with this reasoning today is that the man is not playing by those rules anymore and has no intention of being pressured into that type of a relationship. The man wants to experience what he missed during his first go round. He wants to be the one being pursued. He wants to be courted and wooed. He wants to be in control of whom he sees and when he sees her. It is because of this new style that so many women are finding themselves used and abused in a relationship they thought was moving toward the altar. They talk about how heartless these men are, while the men discard them without even a second thought. It is time that older women get in on the game. These women need to take their heads out of the sand and see the present dating world for what it is. The initial reaction from many women as they begin to understand this new world is to refuse to reenter this world at all. They say that if they have to deal with the fact that there are players in their world, they would rather not date at all. They exercise their right not to play in order to maintain control. This is a sad choice that leads many women to a place that is bitter, lonely, and resentful. The better idea is not to withdraw, but to learn from the present generation how to survive and even thrive in a player environment. 1. Older women of today need to learn to relate to many men at the same time. When a women focuses on one man, then that man has more control over her than is healthy. 2. Women need to learn that time is their friend, not their enemy. When a woman is in a hurry or feels she is running out of time, she will tend to make decisions that are not in her best interest. 3. In the new dating environment, sex does not equal commitment. If you want sex to equal commitment, then a woman needs to have the commitment first and let the sex follow. 4. Words are cheap in this new dating world. A player will be willing to say anything to get what he wants. The best way to get to the truth is to make sure a person’s actions and words match. 5. Filling in the blanks of words not spoken or promises not made is a fast road to disaster in the player world. Never assume or fill in the blank. If you are in doubt about the feelings or intentions of someone, then ask them straight up, even if it makes you uncomfortable to ask. 6. Players love to be vague about certain aspects of their lives. If you do not have full access to someone’s life and think you have a serious relationship, then you’re probably being played. 7. Women seldom get a commitment from a man by giving in or trying to “out do” the other women competing for his attention. Taking the high road forces the player to make a choice rather than placing the woman into a position of being played. 8. In the new dating environment, time together does not equal commitment, especially a lot of time together in the beginning of a relationship. Commitment means commitment. That would involve forsaking all other romantic relationships and making it clear to others the nature of this relationship. Copyright © 2003—2007, Dr. Roger A. Rhoades, All rights reserved A licensed professional counselor for more than 20 years, Dr. Roger Rhoades is a popular relationship therapist who has gained a national following through his appearances on television talk shows. He is also a frequent contributor to national magazines on subjects that include dating, breakup recovery and infidelity. You may email Dr. Rhoades at: TVDoc2@aol.com