ARTICLES DISCOVER Dr. Rhoades' NEW BOOK: Living in the Moment Articles by Dr. Rhoades: Defining Family Dating a Cakeman Looking for "the Oprah" A recipe for good parenting trouble.com Chasing Love! Last Year Sure Went by FAST! The Relationship Lottery How to be Upbeat without being Beat up! The New Player When is it ever going to be "MY" turn? Just Who Am I Trying to Get Even With? Mr. or Ms. "Justin Case" Refusing to Get Caught Up in the Blame Game Associates of Dr. Rhoades: Dr. Lynn Ianni Copyright © 1995-2007 Dr. Roger A. Rhoades All Rights Reserved Author's Note: Please feel free to share this article. My only requirement for reprinting is that you credit me with a byline and print my short biographical and contact information at the end. A Shortcut or A Long Fall? by Dr. Roger A. Rhoades How many of us have heard the phrase, “The shortest distance between two points is a straight line?” This idea works well when you are traveling by foot, but does not work at all when you are traveling on life’s highway. The majority of relationship problems start when one or both people in a relationship try to find the shortest distance to their relationship goals. These people develop a set of expectations for their future relationships and then make an all out effort to find someone to fit those expectations. If a person they go out with does not exactly meet their goals, they either drop them right away or they tell themselves that with time and love, they will change the person to fit their expectations. This type of thinking works when you are writing a romance novel or a movie script, but it does not work at all in the real world. Relationships are seldom productive when the main goal is to get somewhere as fast as you can. We easily see this with physical intimacy. When two people meet and are attracted to each other, they are faced with a decision to get involved on a physical level right away or to wait to a later time in their relationship. Usually with passions running high and the desire to bond the relationship as soon as possible, many couples take the shortcut and get involved sexually as soon as possible. With this one little shortcut, the couple has put the future of their relationship in jeopardy. When a couple decides to become involved physically early in their relationship, they seldom continue to develop on an emotional level. When problems begin to arise in the relationship, the only thing keeping the relationship together is the sexual connection. This type of connection can keep a relationship together for a little while, but physical relationships quickly become routine and boring. Since the relationship is based on a physical level and the quality of the emotional level of the relationship is low, a couple will tend to fight and separate on a regular basis. This environment leads to low self-worth, a high level of jealousy, and infidelity. Another example of a relationship shortcut is when a couple decides to purchase cars, furniture or property together without a firm (usual marital) commitment. These couples say they feel like the relationship is solid and that these purchases will be a way of firming up the commitment between the two of them. This is another short cut that breeds distrust and stifles emotional growth in a relationship. The couple will use the purchase or ownership of things to take the place of developing an emotional history of compromise between the two of them. The couple believes that the ability to decide on an item to purchase is equal to agreeing on tough emotional issues. Often these “things” that were bought to represent a level of commitment become an unbearable weight around the necks of one or both people. As the relationship loses its momentum, the less committed partner will look for ways to sell, destroy, lose, or forget to make payments on these things. Another shortcut method is marriage. If things are not happy living with your parents, get married. If things are tight financially, get married. If your biological clock is ticking, get married. If you’re lonely, get married. If you’re tired of dating, get married. If all your friends are getting married, get married. If you just cannot think of anything better to do with your life, get married. Today people have replaced the aspirin with marriage. They are using the institution of marriage as a way to cure all their ills. It seldom occurs to them that marriage will not only not cure their ills, but will usually create more problems than it solves. The other side of the coin is living together. This is no different and is in many ways worse than trying to use marriage as a cure-all. Freedom is the catch word of those who live together, but insecurity and a false sense of commitment and the real by-products. This shortcut is seen as a way to avoid the ugliness of a possible divorce. In reality, any relationship in which people invest their time and energy, will be painful when it is over. The best way to avoid these shortcut disasters is to make a commitment to healthy growth and development. Time, work, and faith are the three main ingredients of this process. In a world that continues to bombard you with the ideas that time is your enemy, hard work is for the brainless and faith is a crutch for those who are not strong enough to make their own breaks, it is very difficult to stay committed to a relationship that needs all three ingredients. Time in a relationship gives both people depth perception. First impressions can be deceiving. It is easy to look like a good person at first but with time, the true character of a person comes out. Hard work must first be applied to you own issues, then the work you put into your relationships will be productive. Too many people put the cart before the horse and try to work out their own issues through a relationship, rather than before it. Faith is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. When all else fails, faith will continue to hold a relationship together and help it to build through the tough times. Faith allows love to endure! Copyright © 1995—2007, Dr. Roger A. Rhoades, All rights reserved A licensed professional counselor for more than 20 years, Dr. Roger Rhoades is a popular relationship therapist who has gained a national following through his appearances on television talk shows. He is also a frequent contributor to national magazines on subjects that include dating, breakup recovery and infidelity. You may email Dr. Rhoades at: TVDoc2@aol.com