ARTICLES DISCOVER Dr. Rhoades' NEW BOOK: Living in the Moment Articles by Dr. Rhoades: Defining Family The New Player Looking for "the Oprah" A recipe for good parenting Dating a Cakeman Chasing Love! Last Year Sure Went by FAST! The Relationship Lottery trouble.com Just Who Am I Trying to Get Even With? When is it ever going to be "MY" turn? A Shortcut or A Long Fall? Mr. or Ms. "Justin Case" Refusing to Get Caught Up in the Blame Game Associates of Dr. Rhoades: Dr. Lynn Ianni Copyright © 1995-2007 Dr. Roger A. Rhoades All Rights Reserved Author's Note: Please feel free to share this article. My only requirement for reprinting is that you credit me with a byline and print my short biographical and contact information at the end. How to be Upbeat without being Beat Up! by Dr. Roger A. Rhoades Today one of the greatest ways of getting people to not like you is to be a positive person. Supposedly, “Birds of a feather flock together,” but the hardest flock to find is always the upbeat flock. I have never seen such an outcast group. You would think there was some kind of law against being a happy person and showing it in public. The group that may be the most popular these days, is the “I’m terribly unhappy because life has not treated me fairly” group. This group is dead set on blaming every person, place or thing for the problems in their lives. They go out of their way to find connections between the problems in their lives and the so-called reasons THEY are not at fault. This group will watch television, read books and magazines, and listen to radio shows for the main purpose of discovering new ways of blaming someone or something else. The problem with this group is that all the blaming and pointing of fingers does not make them one bit happier. Once they have pointed their finger at some issue and placed their blame on it, they feverishly move to another issue. The only level of satisfaction they ever get is bringing people down to their level of anger and unhappiness. After doing this, they celebrate their hard won battle and quickly step over the lives they have ruined. You can begin to see how hard it is to get or keep a positive attitude, the odds seem against you. The focus switches from “What do I need to do with my life to be happy and content?” to “Who and what can I complain about?” Instead of rising above it and being your own person, the pressure to conform to the negative crowd becomes stronger and stronger. One of the ways people are dealing with this issue is by becoming closet happy people. They try to show little or no emotion in public, especially if those emotions happen to be positive. They have learned not to take an open stand on any issue that might elicit an emotional response. If the group they work with or run around with is openly happy about something, they gently respond, but make it a point not to take a positive stand on anything. They have learned that today’s happy moment of fun making is tomorrow’s reason for finger pointing and blaming. Even having a positive attitude, when things are stressful, is a crime. People are asked why they are not taking the situation seriously, if they try to take a positive approach to a difficult situation. The idea that difficult problems can be worked through in a positive and upbeat environment seems to be blasphemy. If someone tries to take this approach, their future in the business world is in great jeopardy. They are branded as the type of person who does not take things seriously enough. Serious seems to be the professional support word for the, “I’m terribly unhappy because life has not treated me fairly” group. There is a high cost for being part of a group that sees everything as negative. The people who continue to have a negative attitude and put down positive people are having severe emotional and physical problems. The heart attack rate, high blood pressure rate, cancer rate, addiction rate and divorce rate among this group of people is much higher than the national average. They do cause many problems for others with their negative stance, but in the end, they are the ones who end up suffering the most. The sad fact is that a large number of people give up the upbeat life-style for the more serious negative life-style. The pressure to conform and be part of the “in group” becomes too much. Much is said about the negative effects of peer pressure on teenagers, when the negative effects of this type of negative, adult peer pressure can be equally damaging. All is not lost. The tide is turning as more and more people are counting the cost of having a negative attitude and life-style. Many people are beginning to seek out others who want happier, healthier lives. These groups are bonding together to discover problem solving ways of avoiding the negative attitude trap. Many people believe that if you just put your mind to it you can be happy person. I have not found that to be true. All the people I have met who have turned their lives around, did so with the help of a group. The group might be friends or just a support group, but the power of the group is what finally turned the tide of negativism. Here are some helpful tips on how to be upbeat without being beat up. 1. Count your blessings. Make a list of all the positive things in your life. 2. Make an effort to seek out positive people and spend time discussing victories, not defeats. 3. Learn the art of “Re-framing,” putting a positive spin on a negative situation. 4. Watch and/or Read a balance of negative and positive material. You may have to really search for the positive material. 5. Proper Rest, Diet and Exercise have a lot to do with how you FEEL about any situation. 6. Turn a negative situation into a learning situation. Review what was negative about the situation and what you will need to change, so you will not experience that situation as a negative again. Copyright © 1995—2007, Dr. Roger A. Rhoades, All rights reserved A licensed professional counselor for more than 20 years, Dr. Roger Rhoades is a popular relationship therapist who has gained a national following through his appearances on television talk shows. He is also a frequent contributor to national magazines on subjects that include dating, breakup recovery and infidelity. You may email Dr. Rhoades at: TVDoc2@aol.com